day 300: no filter

I’ve been watching the calendar the last two weeks, waiting for this milestone to pass, needing a win. It’s been…hard…lately. As I’ve begun to slowly pull myself out of isolation and into the real world I’ve been having to deal with life’s problems head on. Without being able to recoil into a bottle at the first sign of conflict, I have had to learn to start resolving it. Or at the very least confront it and stand my ground. After avoiding setting boundaries the last 17 years, these issues have been the hardest storms I’ve had to navigate yet, as simple and stupid as they might look on paper. But I have to concede that I am a beginner again.

There is a spot on my property I’ve begun to sit, pictured, that helps remind me that even if I feel like my brain has let go of the wheel and I’m being aimlessly tossed around by my emotions, it’s temporary. It too will pass. That somehow, someway, I’ve gotten this far, and to not forget that every time I wanted to give up, my therapist told me to just wait. To give it one more day. To give in to the possibility that, even though this moment sucks, it is only a moment. That every one before this was over. That the next one will still come, but you can then look back to this moment right now and remember when you thought even it was insurmountable. And that it passed.

This spot of an open field lined with towering pines gives me perspective. So much is right in life. So much is beautiful. Forgetting to see the forest for the trees will never lead to peace.

Regardless of the last couple weeks of constant breakdowns and overreactions, recently something amazing has come out of ten months of sobriety. When people suck, or choices aren’t clear, or I lose even though I tried my hardest, I’ve stopped glorifying how good it would be to go pick up a couple bottles of vodka and piss away everything I’ve built. Instead, I think of how long the relapse would last, how much time I’d lose recovering, and how ashamed I’d feel on day 1 crawling out of it. Drinking again is always still my first thought when situations get tough, but it’s finally an ugly thought. The rose colored glasses are off.