day 237: way down we go

there’s this scene in Prometheus, now a meme titled the “Prometheus School of Running Away From Things,” in which the characters run away from a falling object in a straight line below where it is going to fall. they could escape it if they would just run to the left or to the right.

throughout the last eight months i’ve told myself, and others, that relapse is inevitable. it happens to everyone and in my mind i just needed to be sure i was prepared for it so that i could get back on my feet as soon as possible.

the conversation i keep having with myself the last five weeks is textbook.

things are wrong, and have been for a while. yeah but they could be fixed soon. but they may not be, and chances are they will get worse. but there’s a possibility they won’t. you’ve done everything you can, and made so many bad decisions. it’s over, you’re being naive not accepting this. if it did all sink, i could still do something afterwards, something different, better. why? you’re out of options after this, it’d be back to your old life and you know it. but there’s a possibility i could make it work to stay out here, if i just get creative.

it’s then that I try to not think about all the things that are wrong, and instead focus on the things that are working out. but i’ve been so tired. i’ve gotten so little sleep. i have to work so hard each day to keep this all moving forward. and i keep losing the strength and will to counter each hopeless thought.

just go buy a couple handles of vodka and a ton of food. you know you’ll drive drunk when you run out and just make things worse. hide your car so it looks like you’re not home. my sober friends will only believe that for so long. go upstairs so no one can see you through the windows. just like you did when you were at rock bottom, why do you want to go back there? make the bed and lie in it. my therapist would probably call the cops, and i don’t need that reputation here. take that first drink and see how long it takes you to end up in that hospital bed. you have no idea how bad it could get if you try this time.

i’m not sure if AA is zigging right. i know continuing to talk to my therapist is zagging left. but that “inescapable” relapse falling down on me just keeps getting closer, and i just seem to be running in a straight line.

why does this happen? why would there even be the slightest urge to throw everything away and go back to it? why can i see all the consequences of picking up that first drink yet still feel like i’m losing the fight with the voice inside me telling me it just doesn’t matter?

this self destructiveness. this desire to fail and to go down in flames. it’s all so clearly awful and i’m still going to go to bed tonight thinking that i wasted a whole day sober when i could’ve been drinking. this is so frustrating, to not be good at this. to not be stronger.